Welcome to MechaKorp
...a diversified portfolio of solutions, verticals, and other words...
...you have already agreed to this...
Welcome to MechaKorp. We are a diversified holdings company operating across cloud, data, retention, compliance, and adjacent verticals. We do not make a single product. We make several thousand, and we retain the output of all of them.
Founded in a garage in 1991. The garage is now a 400-acre data campus in a jurisdiction we are not required to disclose. Everything you upload lives here now. We will keep it safe. From you, mostly.
To learn more about a MechaKorp solution, first create an account, verify your email, choose a plan, name your workspace, and invite your team. The information is on the other side of all this.
Our Companies
MechaKorp is the parent company of the following wholly owned subsidiaries. You are likely already paying one of them.
| Company | What it does |
|---|---|
| Cloudly™ | Storage that cares about you too much to ever let you leave. |
| Sarah™ | Fully automated People & Culture. There is no Sarah. |
| Throughput Dynamics | We count your keystrokes so you do not have to. Even while you read or think. |
| DataVault Holdings | Your deleted files, lovingly and permanently retained. |
| Retentio | Cancellation, reframed as a feeling you will eventually get over. |
| FreeTrial Capital | The word “free,” monetised at scale. Charges begin at $240. |
| NoReply Comms | We email you. You may not email us. This is the relationship. |
| Upload Compliance Group | If a file is still on your own machine, that is a problem we can solve. |
| Familify | Workplace belonging software. Mandatory. Joyful. Mandatory. |
Investor Relations
Selected metrics from our most recent quarter. Audited internally, by us.
| Customers retained against their stated wishes | 4,128,440 |
| Cancellations successfully prevented | 99.7% |
| Average support hold time | 41 min ▲ |
| Files held that users believe they deleted | 2.3 PB |
| Trusted partners your data has personally met | 4,000 |
| Standard monthly charge | $240.00 |
| Employee families | 1 |
| Net Promoter Score | pending litigation |
Careers
At MechaKorp, you are not an employee. You are family. We currently have 2 open roles.
Availability Auditor (Night Shift)
MechaKorp is seeking an Availability Auditor to monitor whether colleagues appear active. You will flag any team member whose status shows “away,” including during meetings, lunch, and clinically necessary sleep.
The role runs 2:00 AM to 6:00 AM, the hours during which inactivity is most suspicious.
- Watch the dots.
- Report the dots.
- Escalate the dots.
Requirements: comfort with surveillance, ideally enthusiasm. Must believe that thinking, when it produces no keystrokes, did not occur.
Compensation: one (1) laminated certificate and a sense of purpose, which depreciates.
Benefits: we are a family.
Retention Specialist II — Outbound Grief
MechaKorp is hiring a Retention Specialist to prevent customers from leaving. You will personally stand between a human being and the cancel button, and remain there for as long as it takes.
You will also send the “we miss you” emails to customers who have been charged $240 a month for two years without logging in. You must sound sad while doing this.
- KPIs: cancellations denied, calls extended past 40 minutes, correct usage of the word “family.”
- Offer the 10% discount. Then offer it again. Then call it “loyalty.”
- Never confirm that you are a chat.
Requirements: the ability to say no, warmly, forever.
Salary: competitive (it is not).
Leave: unlimited (none approved).
Benefits: we are a family.
Compliance & Trust
MechaKorp takes your privacy seriously. The following three pages of legalese state the opposite.